Feddie Girl by Nona David -- Book Review by Wayne Hurlbert

Review posted by Wayne Hurlbert to Blog Business World

Feddie Girl: The Hilarious Adventures of an American Teen in a Nigerian Federal School

By: Nona David

Published: July 2009
Format: US Trade Paperback, 400 pages
ISBN: 978-0-9824526-0-8
Publisher: Bernard Books Publishing

Thirteen year old Carlotta Ikedi didn't like attending her American schools, and was in constant trouble, and was often expelled for her behavior. Seeking a solution to Carlotta's problems, her parents enroll her in a private girls school in Nigeria. Carlotta faces a culture shock unlike any that she has ever known, and faces the challenge of succeeding on her own in a strange environment. In the wonderful coming of age novel Feddie Girl: The Hilarious Adventures of an American Teen in a Nigerian Federal School, author Nona David weaves a fine story of character, friendship, and triumph over adversity.

Nona David develops several important themes in the book including the interaction of the girls attending the West African school. As an American, Carlotta is termed a Feddie Girl by the other students, and as such occupies a special niche in the school. The students do not always treat one another well, and as a result, friction does take place. Carlotta must learn how to navigate the unfamiliar customs and rigid rules and punishments practiced in the school. Her recognition that she must take care of herself, and not depend on others helps her to cope with the different culture. At the same time, she develops important friendships and shares mutual support with several other girls.

Carlotta begins her Nigerian school career with her bad attitude firmly in place. Over time, the spoiled American girl becomes independent and reaches out to others. Her character grows along with her acceptance of the school and its students, mores, and rules. The story follows the evolution of Carlotta from her beginnings as a troubled youth to responsible young woman. Her initial concern is only for herself, but as she gets to know and understand Nigeria and its people, she changes her opinion from intense dislike to one of understanding and love.

I highly recommend the memorable and intriguing book Feddie Girl: The Hilarious Adventures of an American Teen in a Nigerian Federal School by Nona David, as a coming of age tale that takes on fairy tale proportions. In the exile of Carlotta to her father's home country of Nigeria, leaving her parents and their troubled marriage behind, Carlotta is transformed as a person. She starts her journey of self discovery with bitterness and disappointment and becomes one with her new surroundings and the people of Nigeria. The scenes in the book are memorable, and the characters stay with the reader long after the book ends.

Read the fascinating and enjoyable adventure novel Feddie Girl: The Hilarious Adventures of an American Teen in a Nigerian Federal School by Nona David, and transport yourself in both place and time to a private girls school in West Africa. Become entwined in the main plot and in the many interwoven subplots that give this novel its richness. Spend some time with Feddie Girl Carlotta, and share her sorrows and enjoy her triumphs as she becomes part of the school social fabric.

How to purchase this novel:

1. From publisher (Bernard Books Publishing): https://bernardbooks.com/links.html

2. From Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/0982452608/ref=dp_olp_new?ie=UTF8&qid=1257266294&sr=1-1&condition=new

3. Buy in Nigeria: https://bernardbooks.com/news.html

See the full review on "Blog Business World"

FEDDIE GIRL: A Review by Wendy Hines

Posted by Wendy Hines to the blog site "Wendy's Minding Spot"

http://mindingspot.blogspot.com/2009/11/feddie-girl-hilarious-adventures-of.html

... FEDDIE GIRL is an adventure that will have you laughing until tears roll down your face, gasping in shock, or shaking your head back and forth, unbelieving what is happening.
It's an adventure you won't want to miss. I really enjoyed watching Carlotta mature and learing about how boarding school operates in another country. I had some trouble with the Nigerian dialect, but it leads credence to the story.
The ending leads one to believe there is a sequel, and I certainly hope there is!
Character building, world development, and seamless writing have Nona David on the path straight to the top.
I really enjoyed myself.

To purchase:

From publisher (Bernard Books Publishing): https://bernardbooks.com

From Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/0982452608/ref=dp_olp_new?ie=UTF8&qid=1257266294&sr=1-1&condition=new

See the full review on the blog site "Wendy's Minding Spot"
http://mindingspot.blogspot.com/2009/11/feddie-girl-hilarious-adventures-of.html

Jill Page's Review of Feddie Girl

Feddie Girl by Nona David Review:

Posted by Jill Page to the blog site "Frugal Plus"

Carlotta Ikedi being a thirteen-year-old teenage girl, that should be a tell-all right there! Can you say rebellious and frustrated inside?
You will find out that a lot of it stems from her home life. Her father, a prominent doctor going through several crises of his own, and her mother, a college professor with little time for Carlotta, and add to that a not-so recovering alcoholic. Her father is at the end of his rope with Carlotta and ships her off to a Nigerian boarding school.

It is interesting to learn of the different cultures and behaviors, especially of teens. However, you will find there are more similarities than realized. Feddie Girl is a bit of a heavier read than I expected due to the author’s syntax. However, it does have an amusing side to the story (as long as Carlotta isn’t your teen to deal with) As a mother, I had to throw that in there The colorful characters will keep you turning the pages, and I enjoyed the very fitting ending.

Stay tuned as there is another Novel due out that follows a parallel story of one of the characters in Feddie Girl!

A Special Thanks goes out to Joan over at Bernard Books Publishing for the opportunity to take a peek into those turbulent teen years within a different culture!

Where to purchase:

From Publisher

From Amazon.com

From Barnes and Noble

Review of FEDDIE GIRL (by Evie Alexis)

Review for Nona David's FEDDIE GIRL

Posted by Evie Alexis to the blog site "Long Live Chick Lit"
http://longlivechicklit.wordpress.com/2009/11/01/review-for-nona-davids-feddie-girl/

“The Hilarious Adventures of an American Teen in a Nigerian Federal School,” is the summary provided for the readers at the bottom of Feddie Girl’s eye-catching cover. The humor was more dark than lighthearted, and at times the book had a tragic feel.

Carlotta Ikedi is a thirteen-year-old girl suffering from teenage rebellion. While that scenario is practically typical of every American teen - poor, middle-class or otherwise - Carlotta seems to suffer from teenage punkitis to a greater degree. Right from the story’s onset we find the heroine up to no good, cutting class and smoking a joint with a group one could not classify as friends; her vocabulary would make a drunken sailor blush.

Carlotta’s father, a prominent doctor going through several crises of his own, is fed up with his daughter’s bad-ass attitude and ships her off to Nigeria. Her mother is a college professor and a recovering alcoholic who has found her way back to the bottle. She readily complies to Dr. Ikedi’s forceful plan. Can we wonder at the young girl’s rage and lack of discipline?

Nona David has created a well-written and entertaining work of fiction, with the story taking wild and complicated turns. The readers are transported from Carlotta’s hell-on-Earth during her time at the boarding school, to Richard Ikedi’s entanglements with the mob, to Shelley Ikedi’s very bad life choices. This is a very dysfunctional, broken family, each separated by more than just mileage.

Feddie Girl is categorized as Women’s Fiction/Adventure. This reviewer found herself pulled in more by the sub-plots than the central focus which was of Carlotta’s plight. Perhaps older female readers may find themselves doing the same as that is the target audience whom the book is aimed at.

Overall, Feddie Girl was unique with its multicultural blend, offering many readers a glimpse of another world many would rarely see. While not the light romp expected, it definitely provided insight into the teenage mind.

You can purchase a copy of this novel from the publisher: Bernard Books Publishing https://bernardbooks.com or at Amazon http://amazon.com

See the full review on the blog site "Long Live Chick Lit"
http://longlivechicklit.wordpress.com/2009/11/01/review-for-nona-davids-feddie-girl/

Review of FEDDIE GIRL (by Wendy Wallach)

Feddie Girl: My Review of a Great New Novel by Nona David

Review Posted by Wendy Wallach to the blog "It's Really Only a Purple World"

I couldn't put it down! Really, who would have thought that a book about a Nigerian boarding school would be so interesting? Yet as you start to read about Carlotta and her bunk mates at the school, you get engrossed not so much with how they are different from typical American teenagers but instead by how similar they really are! The language and syntax were a bit hard to follow at times, but it still read well and I can not wait to get to the next chapter to see what happens.

According to the book, there is another novel due out that follows a parallel story about one of the minor characters and it will be interesting to see what she does with that character arc!

You can buy it at Bernard Books or at Amazon

Advance copies of FEDDIE GIRL goes on sale this Oct 19th!!!

Advance copies of FEDDIE GIRL, the international adventure/thriller by Nona David goes on sale via bernardbooks.com starting October 19th 2009.

Book Title: FEDDIE GIRL: The Hilarious Adventures of an American Teen in a Nigeria Federal School
Author: Nona David
Publication Date: February 2010
Copyright: July 2009
Type: US Trade Paperback
Page No: 400
Price: $19.99 (US); £14.05 (UK); $26.10 (CAN); €18.82 (EUR); $28.80 (AUS); N3298 (NGN)
ISBN: 978-0-9824526-0-8
SAN: 858-2041
Status: Advance copies available for purchase
Deals: Free Shipping and handling till Dec 31st 2009 when purchased from Publisher.

Read Excerpts

Buy from Publisher

Buy From Amazon

Wholesalers, Distributors, and Bookstores:
Please contact James Downer at james.downer@bernardbooks.com for more information

Reminder: Reserve your copy of FEDDIE GIRL

Hey all,

If you still haven't reserved your copy of FEDDIE GIRL the Nigerian-Federal/boarding-School novel by Nona David, now is the time to do so. You only have four days left!!!

Advance copy availability would be by reservation only.
Reservation deadline is on Oct 12 2009.
Sales of reserved copies commence on Oct 19 2009 via the publisher's website at https://bernardbooks.com
Free shipping and handling to any location in the world offered till Dec 31 2009.

To reserve a copy please go to: https://bernardbooks.com/form.html

Read excerpts of this novel at: https://bernardbooks.com/subpage.html


Lotta Luv

Carlotta

Calling for Reviewers to review FEDDIE GIRL

Bernard Books Publishing is now seeking authentic book reviewers to review FEDDIE GIRL, the international women’s adventure/thriller novel by Nona David.

Reviewer Criteria/Qualification:
1. Must have a current website/web blog/magazine column
2. Review must be posted in at least one of the above publications
3. Reviewer must reside within the United States to receive galleys. Residents of other countries please contact for more options.

BOOK PARTICULARS
Title: FEDDIE GIRL
Sub Title: The Hilarious Adventures of an American Teen in a Nigerian Federal School
Author: Nona David
Publisher: Bernard Books Publishing

Back Blurb:

Carlotta Ikedi (A.k.a Feddie Girl) has never liked school. Not in California. Not in Oklahoma. When her exasperated parents ship her off to boarding school–in West Africa–Carlotta faces a life, culture, and existence unlike anything she’s ever known.

School rules and regulations, rising bell, lights-out, manual labor, inspections, dining time, prefects, punishments, mean bunkmates, and visiting days–it’s all here. But author Nona David takes Carlotta’s story a step further when her adventure’s lead to unfortunate incidents that threaten to drive her American family into the clutches of infidelity and organized crime.

Boarding school doesn’t get any better than this…

For those who have experienced the boarding school life, the adventures of Feddie Girl will bring those memories crashing back… For anyone else, get ready to see the world as Feddie Girl.

*If interested in reviewing this novel, please contact Joan Peck (joan.peck@bernardbooks.com).
*Galley copies for review will be ready for mailing starting first week of September 2009.
*Publish/release date: February, 2010.
*Read excerpts of the novel HERE
*Reviews provided may be featured on publisher’s website, promotional sites/materials, and on the review/blurb pages of the book.

Sincerely,

Joan Peck (Book Publicist)
joan.peck@bernardbooks.com
www.bernardbooks.com

Okay, here we go...

All right! All right!!!

I get it now.

Many of you wish to read the novel within the same period in different countries. No different availability dates, no favoritism, etc, etc.

Okey-dokie. So the new dates for release of advance copies of the novel has been shifted to September, 2009.

Those of you who reserved an advance copy and have been waiting since April of 2009, we apologize for the delay–but the majority has spoken. Due to the avalanche of petitions we received in the last several weeks requesting that we postpone the deadline for advance copy reservation as well as synchronize the dates for availability in different countries, we have come up with a solution.

Bernard Books Publishing is therefore pleased to announce that the availability for advance copies of FEDDIE GIRL, the international adventure/thriller by Nona David will be as follows:

Nigeria: September 28th 2009

UK: September 28th 2009

USA: September 28th 2009

This way, everyone in the above countries will the opportunity to read the novel within the same time frame. Hope we are all happy now. However, advance copies will be by reservation only. And reservations can only be placed via the Bernard Books website. CLICK HERE TO RESERVE

Yeah, I know you’re smiling now…

It’s all right, ‘cos I’m happy when you are.

Lotta Luv,

Carlotta (A.k.a Feddie Girl)

FEDDIE GIRL!!! So close...

Hey everyone,

We are getting close to the release date of advance copies of FEDDIE GIRL: The Hilarious Adventures of an American Teen in a Nigerian Federal School.

And hang-on, we got a new cover coming too.
You didn't think we were gonna use the same stuff we have blasted on blogs all over the Internet, did you? You actually did? Lol! My bad!
Nah, we got the whole nine yards covered.
New cover, poster, and blurbs would be uploaded on the publisher's site on July 13th. Watch-out!!!

Official release date for the novel is set for February, 2010.

Hey, hold-on!!!

Advance/pre-release copies would be available in three countries as follows:

United States: July 27th, 2009
United Kingdom: July 31st, 2009
Nigeria: August 24th, 2009

Remember, advance copies of FEDDIE GIRL will only be available via bernardbooks.com and only to those lucky few who reserve a copy before July 27th.

Others would have to wait and read the novel after February, 2010. If you don't wanna be one of those slackers who will not get a taste of FEDDIE GIRL until next year, you gotta buckle up and RESERVE AN ADVANCE COPY NOW!

Don't miss-out on this awesome opportunity. Read FEDDIE GIRL six months before the rest of the world!!! LOL!!!

Lotta Luv,
Carlotta

Got Boarding School Slangs???

School slangs?
Whoa! That's like my favorite part of boarding school life.
The good part is, like all groups of people united by a common cause, boarders have slangs that are totally unique to the school they attend.

The uniqueness of school slangs arises mainly from the location of the school and the native language spoken in that location, as well as the ethnicity and background of the students within the school. Let's not forget the hand-me-down slangs that must have been a tradition of the school from the get go. A great example is 'Madam Koi-Koi'. Now, if you haven't heard that one, irrespective of how old your boarding school is or where it is located in Nigeria, then you must be totally... LOL!!!

Slangs are like an unspoken rule: once you become a student of the school, you gotta learn the language and slangs of that school. No two ways about it.

I totally remember the first time my bunk mate referred to me as 'Bunkie'.
I was like, hold on... what was that?
Then there was the day a senior girl in my dorm threatened a junior student by telling her she was 'done for'.
Yeah right... please, mind defining that for me?
What about when someone asks you to go find their 'neighbor'?
Or when an announcement like this is made in the dining hall: "All 'meant-to's' should see me after siesta"?

So, after spending just three days in a boarding school, I began to think that each school should like, have a kind of dictionary that explains these slangs to new students. You know, sorta like a Slangotionary or something. LOL!!!

Seriously, wouldn't this make life easier for the new junior students?
Imagine having to figure out on your own what each slang means, or the consequences of mixing-up two like-sounding slangs, but with totally different meanings? i.e 'Pass' and 'Paas'. Totally un-cool huh?
So you can imagine how embarrassed I felt, when one day, I blurted out, "She banged her teacher!" when I actually meant, "She failed her teacher!".
Well, who would blame me? How was I to know that it was okay to use the slang 'bang' to connote 'fail', but only in terms of tests and exams. When used in the context of human to human relations, then 'bang' totally means something else.
Trust me, I got in a lot of trouble for that one. I had to learn the hard way--great way to go, huh?

The annoying part is that the older students always refuse to define the slangs for you when you ask them.
For instance, someone darts into the dormitory and declares, "You need to get a load of the kind atta that obtained me in Physics practicals today."
You ask, "What does 'atta' mean?"
And they reply, "Go and find out for yourself."
Gee thanks! If I could, I wouldn't be asking.

Anyways, it's all good, cos the average time for imbibing school slangs for any level-headed and minimally observant junior girl is three weeks. The 'ogba-mbo's' and 'efficienco's' usually pick them up in a few days flat.
Don't ask me what those mean. Cos if you do, I'd say, "Go and find out for yourself!" LOL!!!

Just so I don't sound like a total block-head, I've come up with a few slangs that are totally part of the slangotionary for my school.
Here they are in alphabetical order:

Barbie dolls: Girls who are pretty and rich, and usually very full of themselves. E.g. Did you see the expensive sunglasses that Barbie doll had on in class yesterday?

Been-to's: Students who have visited foreign nations like the UK and US. E.g. She now regards herself as a been-to, just because she managed to spend two days in London last hols.

Bubble girls: Students who are famous, especially due to their social skills. E.g. Everyone wants to be like that Bubble girl over there--she displays the coolest dance steps on stage.

Floater: Clueless students who seem to never be able to get the gist of what's on board. E.g. If you still don't get what this blog is all about, then you are a major floater.

Floor-members: Students in a senior class who are not prefects but are at the same class level as school prefects. E.g Your Bunkie is a floor member, so you don't have to obey all school rules to the letter.

Kabashers: Students who are religious fanatics and often known for their penchant to pray loudly anywhere at all manners of day or night. E.g. Someone should please tell that Kabasher to tone it down and let us get some sleep!

Meant-to's: Students who are repeating a class and are, therefore, meant to be in a higher class level otherwise. E.g. There is a meant-to in our class. Should we also put her name down for noise-making?

Princy: The school principal. E.g. This one is self-explanatory--Princy said so herself.

Subsidy: This term is used for identifying dormitory prefect. E.g. The subsidy in my dorm punished me for tardiness.

Transits: Students who transferred form a different school. E.g The transit in our class was formerly a day-student in another school.

Witchy: Being very mean; as in one who is wicked and unkind. E.g. She's such a witchy student, please have nothing to do with her.

Yacker: Someone who talks too much without making much sense. E.g. Please shut-up--you're just a miserable yacker.

Okay, that's it for now, but feel free to include yours. Remember, each school has its own unique slangs, so it will be great to have your versions of the above. LOL!!!

Lotta Luv,
Carlotta

Read excerpts of the FEDDIE GIRL novel HERE and RESERVE A COPY.
The novel will be available on the PUBLISHER'S SITE starting this July. Availability will be by reservation only.

Uh-uh... A Typical Class Day!!!

Hi all,
This is an excerpt from the actual novel, FEDDIE GIRL by Nona David. Advance copies of the novel will be released this July, but availability will be by reservation only. Click HERE to reserve copies.

ENJOY THE SNEAK PEEK!

The next morning dawned bright and clear, but Carlotta was apprehensive in the presence of her new classmates.

Having to attend a girls’ boarding school in a foreign country was not too bad. But, what Carlotta loathed about school period was the deafening and head aching quarrels her classmates indulged in when there was no teacher in the classroom.

It was only 8:45 AM and, already, the JS1D students were at it again. This time, they were bickering and fighting one another about what cities and towns in Nigeria had the best residential areas. When words weren’t enough, they resorted to throwing missiles in the form of books, combs, and school sandals.

As if anyone cares where others grew up, Carlotta thought, feeling miserable. She’d lived her whole life in the United States and hadn’t been able to do a thing about it when her parents decided to ship her off to a boarding school in Nigeria as punishment for getting expelled from middle school.

The noise was making her head hurt. Carlotta depressed her vibrating eyeballs with the heel of her palms, hoping to keep them from falling out of their sockets. She was wondering how the girls were able to keep up such a racket, when a particularly loud bang surprised her into snapping her eyes open.

A furious looking male teacher stood at the classroom door.

The students stopped fighting at once. The screeching was cut off from the throats of two students—like a raging fire abruptly doused with water. One final sandal arched high above the heads of the students and landed squarely in the middle of the blackboard with a loud thud, then skidded mournfully down to the ground. Several girls scuttled back to their seats. Ndidi and her cohorts scrambled down from their lockers.

When all was calm, the class stared sheepishly at the dark male teacher leaning against the doorframe.

The teacher considered them for a while, his handsome face devoid of expression. Without much show of annoyance, he strolled into the classroom and stood before the students. “I am not going to inquire as to the cause of the noise,” he declared, “but this is a classroom, and it is time for my lesson.” He walked over to the blackboard and picked up the lone sandal. “Who lost this?” he asked in a scathing tone, holding the rubber footwear aloft by the tips of his forefinger and thumb, dangling it like an offending rodent for the whole class to see.

A chubby girl walked up to him like one would to a dangerous dog. “Please sir, it’s mine,” she breathed, and held out her hand for the shoe.

The teacher cast her a wary eye, snorted, and dropped the sandal in her hand.

The girl clutched the shoe and scurried back to her seat.

The teacher sneered then turned abruptly and picked up the duster. With a swift swipe of his left hand, he wiped the board clean. His right hand moved with lightening speed as he wrote the word mathematics on the board with a piece of white chalk. He whirled around in one fluid motion and began to teach.

The teacher’s movements seemed so effortless; his actions— electrifying; voice—spellbinding.

There was no beep from the class during the entire lesson. The students were caught up in the fast paced action of his teaching. They watched in fascination as he stabbed and slashed at the blackboard with the chalk, whipping-up seemingly intoxicating mathematical symbols and equations from thin air.

The math teacher was the performer; the mesmerized class his spectator.

Not until the bell rang did Carlotta realize she hadn’t grasped a thing out of the lesson.

The math teacher had raced through his lesson in a well-meaning tactic to revise the basic math skills he believed the class should have already acquired. He had breezed through even and odd numbers and the rules of addition and subtraction. After those came multiplication and division. Then types of fractions. Simple proportions. Percentages. Finally, it had come to algebra and the real lesson had commenced.

The math teacher had sauntered out of the class as soon as the bell rang, leaving an awed class behind him. He hadn’t even bothered to introduce himself.

A stunned silence followed the teacher’s departure until someone broke the spell by saying,

“Please, what was his name?”

“Mr. Wesley Iorshimbe-Ngongngong,” another offered.

“Mr. Wesley what?” a different girl quipped.

“Wesley Snipes!” Joyce snapped at the girl. “Kai, are you deaf?”

The girl gave Joyce a reproachful look. “Please allow me oh, the man’s name has k-leg, abeg.”

Another student admonished Joyce. “Yes oh, allow her. I’m sure that even you can’t pronounce the name sef.”

Nelly laughed and shook her head. “Come to think of it, that Mathematics teacher is a real Snipes.” She jumped to her feet, her eyes shinning with mischief. She couldn’t stop laughing. “Wait oh, he even looks like the real Wesley Snipes.” She stopped to catch her breath.

Several girls laughed, too.

That opened the floodgates. In excited tones, the students compared the math teacher’s movements to that of Wesley Snipes’ ingenious stunts in the ‘Blade’ movies. They got so wrapped-up in their stories they lost track of time, until Rosemary the class prefect announced in dismay,

“You girls, it’s time for integrated science, and it says here on the time-table that we are supposed to go to the biology lab for the lesson.”

They were already six minutes late. Lockers were opened and banged as the students reached for their science text and notebooks. In a flash, most of them were out the door.

“Biology lab, Carlotta. Let’s go,” Ossie apprised. She picked up her books, shut her desk with a bang, and ran for the door.

“Hey, wait up!” Carlotta called to Ossie, “I dunno where to find the biology lab!” In a rush, she grabbed a heavy textbook she assumed was for integrated science, and bolted out the door after her classmates.

Coming in February, 2010
Advance copies available till September 28th 2009
Reserve your copy now!

Senior Chidi, what have you got with me?

While in boarding school, ever been in the situation where you feel like a senior girl is totally out to get you and deal with you? It's like, whatever you do, you always end-up in trouble with the same senior girl?

Yeah, I've totally been there. In my case, her name is Senior Chidinma, and she also happens to be the house prefect of my house.

The first time I met her, I knew there was just something about her that wasn't right. Don't get me wrong, she's not sick in the head or anything like that. It's just that she's -- weird. Kinda sinister internally. I mean, she looks okay, very pretty on the outside, but I'm sure if you were to take a knife to her chest, you'll probably be looking at a black stone embedded right there in place of a heart.

Lol!

I'm not gonna be all righteous and pretend like I've never had my share of wickedness as a kid, believe me, I have. But Senior Chidinma's attitude takes wickedness to a whole new level. Maybe it's just me who see her that way. The first time I looked into her eyes, I felt chills creep up my back. The girl has no eyes. What she has are marbles. Cold black marbles.

Needless to say, my path crossed hers a few times, and it was from her I learned there were ways to deal with someone without laying a finger on them. If you've ever knelt on the rough ground for three straight hours with your arms extended at ninety degree angles on either side of you, then you'd get what I'm saying. Imagine! Before boarding school, the meanest punishment I'd ever been given was being grounded for two weeks. So, go figure.

Senior Chidi always seemed to materialize each time I do something wrong. I don't know how she totally does that. She just sorta -- appears. Just like that! Whoooo!!! And she's not one to ease-off on the punishments. You should see her meting them out. It's like her favorite pastimes are assigning morning duties and ordering students about before Saturday morning inspections. Well, I guess that's why she was made the house prefect. Kudos to her! Bummer for us!

So one evening, I was leaving the dining hall with my friend, on our way to class for night prep. It wasn't actually time for prep, we still had a few minutes before the bell was supposed to go off. So my friend and I kinda dawdled for a while, you know, just bonding and talking about stuff. Then all of sudden, what did I hear?

"Feddie Girl, come here!"

I turn around and what do you know? Senior Chidi was a little way ahead, glaring at me with those black marbles. I swallowed down the creeping chills, dismissed my friend and start to make my way to her.

"Start running!" she ordered.

There was only a few feet separating us. Why should I run, when I can cover the distance as quickly in a few long strides. So, I quickened my steps and got to her in like three seconds. Guess what she said?

"Go back to where you were and run from there to here!"

Seriously? Is she kidding? Well, I guess not, cos she made me repeat the whole process like a dozen times before she was satisfied. By then, I was already a slobbering panting mess. I also puked all the dinner I ate that evening. You'd think she would stop there won't you?

No way! Not Senior Chidinma.

She made me kneel for an hour and a half with a heavy book on my head. Then she made me scrub half a dozen bathrooms until they shone and sparkled. That's not all. The next afternoon she made me clean several pots and sweep several classrooms. By the time the punishment was over, I was ready to pack my bags and call it quits.

So, please, remind me again. What was it I did to merit the punishment in the first place?

Senior Chidi, what have you got with me?

FEDDIE GIRL, novel by Nona David. Coming this July to Bernard Books Publishing. Read excerpts and reserve a copy.

Remember old boarding school songs?

Boarding school holds some bittersweet memories for most of us. Yet there were some students who just couldn’t bear the strain and bailed-out after their first term, or first year, or even after three years.
For those die-hards who endured the rigors and pains of boarding school life for six whole years, I defer to you! Trust me, it’s not an easy feat to achieve. Sometimes when the going gets tough, students resort to pouring their sorrows into songs. It sorta helps lighten the burden and ease the heart.
There are some songs that no matter where you are, they just remind you of boarding school.
Like this one that is mainly sung when students are running low on supplies:

My dear mother;
I am very sorry;
For writing this letter;
Please buy me sugar, and butter, and bournvita.

There is this one for when SS3 students are ready to graduate:

Everyday senior, senior; Everyday senior, senior;
Senior don’t forget us, your junior ones are crying;
Senior don’t forget us, your junior ones are weeping;
We don’t know what to do, We don’t know what to do;
It is a pity and very painful that our seniors are leaving us;
We don’t know what to do, we don’t know what to do.

Also, an old one, but I’m not sure which school is it’s source, but we sure did sing it a lot:

Booze garri, Booze garri;
In the house;
Add some sugar;
Add some milk;
Add some water;
Garri in the morning, afternoon and night;
Garri gives you energy, makes you feel all right;
Booze garri!

There is this other one that comes with several variations:

Give me a heartbeat: Mm-mm!
Give me a sneeze: At-choo!
Give me a cough: U-huh, u-huh!
All together: Mm-mm, at-choo, u-huh u-huh!
Give it to me one more time: At-choo, u-huh, mm-mm!

There must be many more, so if you remember any, please feel free to post it here. Thanks!
Let’s keep the torch burning high and bright, for there’s no other experience like that of boarding school life.

Lotta Luv,
Carlotta

Advance copies of FEDDIE GIRL the novel are coming this July. Copies will be available by reservation only. Go to Bernard Books Publishing to reserve your copy now!

Boarding School in Nigeria???

"I need a junior girl!"
"Last man in the house!"
"Who wants to fetch my water?"
"Who has extra soap?"
"Who wants to make a deal with their food?"

Lol!!! Nigerian boarding schools--those were the days!!!

Do you totally remember your first day in a Nigerian boarding school? How unfamiliar, strange, and intimidating everything seemed? Do you remember staring at the other new students that arrived at the same time as you? How you checked each other out and wondered, "Hmm, what primary school did he/she come from?" "What score did he/she get in the Common Entrance and Interview examinations?" Lol! Yeah, I know, no one writes Common Entrance examinations anymore to gain admission into Nigerian Secondary Schools. But fifteen years ago, things were totally different, or so I'm told.

What about the prefects and senior students? Do you remember how huge they looked? One could totally call them 'mothers'. Boy, were they big and scary!
The prefects and their pompous appearance, always strutting about with looks of importance on their faces. Calling out to everyone within reach,
"You, there! Where are you going? Start running to the assembly hall!"
Lol! How easy it was for the prefects to take-down one's name for punishment. How important they felt meting out grass-cutting portions for manual labor. How totally godlike they seemed rationing out hot tea, bread, and boiled eggs for breakfast. For them, the life in boarding house began and ended within their reach. No one remains in the dormitory during classes or prep unless they say so. No one takes a bath during siesta without due permission. No one takes their plate of food outta the dinning hall without a prefect sanctioning it. And woe betide you to hang around in the dorms after the dorm prefect bellows: "Leave the dormitory!"
When you hear, "It's lights out!" You know to fly up your bunk immediately and go straight to sleep! No arguments!

As for the senior students, their sense of self-importance, especially where junior students are concerned, can not be paralleled. It was through them the new students learned there was something like, "Kneel down and fly your hands!" Or, "Decrease your height and hide your eyeballs!" What about, "Go and take your position"? Lol! Those senior students were definitely the height of boarding life--every junior student's nightmare!

If you've ever boycotted manual labor by hiding in the bush, or dove into an over-grown shrub to escape the calls of tardy senior students just returning from home, or pretended to be sick so as not to have to go fetch something for a senior girl during prep hours; then you totally get where I'm coming from.

You remember pretending to be deaf when a senior student is yelling for you from ten feet away? You remember zapping from the dinning hall when it's time to re-arrange the tables and benches for a school function? You remember washing tureens as punishment for failing to take your wet towel with you when leaving the dorm in the morning? You remember being konked on the head for turning in your table tureens late? You remember being locked out of dinning and made to miss a meal for arriving two seconds late to the dinning hall? If you remember all these, then you totally attended a Nigerian boarding school as a JS1 student.

So given all the above, some may wonder why we ever bother to go back for second term and many more terms.

Seriously, "Why do we go back for more?" What is it about boarding school that keeps us enduring and hoping that one day, things would be different and we would be the ones totally sleeping on the bottom bed of a two-bed bunk?

Is it the tuck-shop goodies, the school club activities, the interesting and funny class periods, the pranks played on teachers, the cursing of wicked senior girls, the running-off to fetch water when no one else is by the tank, the zapping from Principal's assembly, the audacity to disappear and escape mass punishments, the hiding in the bush and boycotting manual labor, or what? What did it for you?

What made you look forward to returning to school each new term?

Yeah, we all had tons of fun and made lots of memories while in boarding school. But, if you could do it all over again, would you???

Lotta Luv,

Carlotta

Watch-out for FEDDIE GIRL the international adventure/thriller set in a Nigerian Federal School. Read excerpts at Bernard Books Publishing. Reserve a copy HERE

Walk in their shoes...?

Hey,

I'm just wondering:

Last year, my parents freaked out and sent me, their twelve year old daughter, and only child packing to a Federal school in Nigeria to live as a boarder.

Did you just say, "Whoa, that's harsh. Whatever happened to grounding wayward American teens?"

Well, I don't know what you're getting at, but in my way of thinking, I'd say I totally deserve what I got. After all, I wasn't insane when I beat-up two innocent six-year-old's and got my hands on a roll of marijuana.

"Still, that ain't enough reason to ship a child out to a foreign country!" You raise one eye-brow in consternation and shoot darts with your eyes at me. You look ready to spring and knock my poor head off my sorry shoulders.

Alright, alright, back-off! I know better than to ruffle your feathers on the night after your miserable team has lost an easy game of baseball to their equally miserable opponents. Not that I totally agree with your point of view about my being dropped off in boarding school last year, but hey, whatever keeps us cool!

However, I'd still love to hear the humble opinion of a unbiased third party.

So to my blog readers, I ask:

Do you totally think my parents flipped their lids and acted too hastily in their decision to make me attend a Federal School in Nigeria as punishment for what I did last year?
Yes? Hell no?
Had I been your kid, how would you have managed the situation?
In your humble opinion, what on earth, if anything, would a kid have to do that would warrant you to dish-out a punishment as harsh as the one my parents meted out to me?

Who knows? Maybe by answering all or part of the above questions, we may uncover some truths about ourselves and the way we see things within the society we live in.

Totally looking forward to hearing from you...

Lotta Luv,
Carlotta

For excerpts of the upcoming FEDDIE GIRL novel by Nona David, visit http://bernardbooks.com/subpage.html
To reserve your copy of FEDDIE GIRL, please go to http://bernardbooks.com/form.html

Carlotta's friendly reminder...

Hello there,

Have you read my story?

Read excerpts of FEDDIE GIRL, the sizzling international adventure/thriller by Nona David. This novel features me as the major character and is all about my experiences in an all-girls boarding school in Nigeria. It also tells what my family were up to while I was safely tucked out of the way in boarding house. Lol!!!

Ever been to Nigeria??? No??? Gosh! You need to read this novel. Lol!!!

Actually, that is kinda what this whole blog thingy is about, wouldn't you say?

Did I hear you say, "Oh, alright, Carlotta, I will read the excerpts"? Yep, that's what I'm talkin' about. :)

Anyways, don't miss this opportunity to read never-before-seen excerpts of this novel and reserve your copy at the publishers site: Bernard Books Publishing. http://bernardbooks.com/reserve.html

You can also drop a line for the author by signing the guest book!!!

See ya,
Carlotta

Fela: I throway salute!!!

Salute to the master; Bow to the king!

I've never met a Nigerian who doesn't know who Fela was. I say 'was' cos Fela passed on several years ago, but his legacy still lives on--in the hearts and minds of his fans.

"Who is Fela?" you ask, your mind already going through the list of famous artists you're familiar with.

Fela is a legend. An artist who's famous for not just his music, but the meanings behind every word he sings. To understand Fela and what goes on in his mind, you gotta go right back--back to the deep-rooted culture of his people.

You give me that 'what the heck are you talking about?' look.

I ignore you and shake my head in pity. Unless you've lived in Nigeria and seen things for yourself, you'll probably never get why Fela means so much to those who are lucky to have had the pleasure of his entertainment/teaching.

Abruptly you ask, "What makes Fela's music so famous?" Your mind is already browsing through the 'rock and roll' legends you've been opportuned to know: The Beatles, Kiss, Rolling Stone, Steely Dan, James Gang, Jonas Brothers(?) Lol!!!

Well, I totally can't capture the true essence of Fela Kuti and what his music means to Nigerians and many Africans at large. What I can do, is give his dedicated fans a chance to speak from their hearts and tell you exactly what it is they root about Fela's songs.

So, all you Nigerians out there, if you're a true fan of Fela Anikulapo Kuti, tell us why you love his music, tell us what his music means to you.

I totally rest my case!

Lotta luv,

Carlotta

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jgqxFHMqlxs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lIzMqCzproM&feature=related

To read excerpts of FEDDIE GIRL and reserve a copy, visit Bernard Books Publishing

Bend down, shake to the beat...

Whoa people! Let's talk Lagos parties!!!
Imagine the music and the feverish dance-steps! Most of you Lagosians, Nigerians, and lovers of Afro beats know what I'm talking about. Whatever you're doing, wherever you are --whether at home, out in the city, or even totally out in a foreign country-- whenever you hear the beat, you just feel like getting straight down and doing a jig or two. Lol!!!
My favorite is the song my Uncle always starts off his parties with, a song that created so much buzz in 2001/2002, I've been told:

"Pade mi ni sale...!!!!!"

"Aaaaahhhhh Under!!!!!!"

Yeah, that's right. You totally know who I'm talking about. You're already standing in that legendary dancing pose, shoulders back, hips down, butt stuck-out, and backbone set to undulate. You wait for the next cue:

"Le le le le le le le-- le le le le-- le le le le le le..."

The metallic sound of trumpets, then:

"Arege ji ah! Arege ji ah ah...."

"Aaaahhhh, Under!"

Then follows the well-known lyrics accompanied by staccato crazy beats with the Yoruba talking drums.

"Isale ele ele, konko konko..."

"E gbe jo oooo!!!"

"Kon Below! Konko Below!! Kon Below!!! Konko Below!!!!"

"UNDER!!!!!"

I never really figured out if the catch word is "Under" or "Thunder", or both. But the song is quite addictive, I must admit. Can't be totally captured with just words. This here, friends, will require a depicting video.
Just so we're clear, I'm talking of the one and only, Lagbaja, the masked King of the new millennium Afro beats. See link to a you-tube video of his hit song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpOzwVAQ7M8
Very captivating, huh? I thought so too when I first heard it, even though I couldn't understand a word, except "Below". Lol!!!
To tell the truth, I'd still like to find out what the lyrics mean some time.
Anyways, Lagos parties are something every teenager needs to experience at least once in his/her lifetime.
"What about High-school parties?" You ask, not sure what on earth I'm totally driving at.
Teenage American parties, you mean? Oh puhleease, give me a total break! There just isn't any comparison!!! Those stolen-beer and pizza-driven excuses for a good time totally fade right into the background beside a Lagos street party.
Yeah! That's right! It's not just the colorful attire of the party-goers, the wide-reaching head-ties of the women, the rich agabadas worn by the men, the flashy jewelries, great high-life music, or delicious foods and refreshments supplied as 'item seven.' Lol!!!
To be frank with you, in comparison to what I now know as an 'Owambe party', which is the most common native party in Lagos; prom parties just feel so drab and boring with the punch and pizza--nothing really much to it. Ugh!!!
One thing I noticed about Lagos parties though, you don't really need an exotic venue to pull-off the perfect entertaining scene. Most people just use their compounds and the free spaces behind their homes. However, if you're one of those who live in a flat (apartment) or totally don't have a wide compound, don't sweat it. Just use your street!!!!
"No way!!!" You eyes almost pop out of their sockets. "You mean as in streets where cars commute and everything?" you ask, looking quite incredulous. "Seriously?"
Yep!!! Totally!!! Just wait till it's about 6pm, then measure-out about a two-hundred feet of the street in front of your home-- spanning to the left and right-- and clamp-down some road-block signs at each end. Then scatter around several plastic chairs and tables and position a few bouncers at strategic points to warn and redirect traffic. Mount an intimidating sound system with heavy-duty speakers wired from the inside of your building with plenty of extensions.
Voila!!!
You totally got yourself a party venue. Lol!!!
"You must be kidding me?" You remark, totally blown outta your mind. "A street party, how cool is that?" You think for a coupla minutes, then ask, "What about the cops? Howddya deal with 'em, huh?"
Cops? What cops? The same guys the party host already 'sorted' with a coupla thousand bucks (Naira)?
Naahhh, street parties don't get bothered by no cops, irritated neighbors, or grandparents. The general rule of thumbs for such gatherings is very simple:
If you can't beat 'em; join 'em!!!
Lol!!!
"Wow," you say, totally blown away. "I so wanna spend my summer hols in Lagos.
Now, that's what I'm talking about. Remember, the above also goes for coming-of-age parties, birthdays, school proms, naming ceremonies, bachelor parties, burial wake-keeping, golden-jubilees, after wedding parties, church functions, sports victory, etc, etc. You can basically celebrate anything in Lagos, even your first job, your first car, college graduations or your house opening. These parties bring the body and soul of the city together in perfect harmony. And you wanna know something cool?
Everyone is totally invited. In effect, a second home for street parties are:
M'ogbo, mo branch!
Indirect translation: I heard the music, I totally invited myself. And all my hommies.
"Yeah right!!!" You roll your eyes. "The more the merrier, huh?"
Yep!!! That's exactly what I'm talking about! All ya party rats outta 'ere, please join me:

E gbe jo o!!! 

Lotta Luv,

Carlotta

Get a copy of the "Feddie Girl" novel by Nona David on Amazon.com or from the publisher https://bernardbooks.com

To buy this novel in Nigeria, please contact our sales agents:

LAGOS = 08023226389, 08023002049, 08098012049
ABUJA/JOS/KADUNA = 08066370106
PORT-HARCOURT/OWERRI/ABA = 08037974482
ENUGU/NSUKKA/ONITSHA = 08030908351

Also available at the following Nigerian Bookstores:
1. Goodlife.com/ng
2. Walahi.com

Don't you love 'em Lagos street-hawkers?

Got bread???

Street hawking in Lagos. What a unique experience! Where else on this earth can one afford prompt service coupled with freedom of choice and the chance to compare, contrast, and haggle prices of goods and services with vendors, and totally feel like a celebrity?

Not in a million cities. Only in Lagos, Nigeria.

Yeah, that's right. I totally said it. What you gonna do? Drag my white tush to Kiri-Kiri prison?

Anyone who's ever been to Lagos, even for one day, totally knows the chant of the street-hawkers:

Bread-dy Agege o!

Ewa Agoyin, o wa o!

Buy pure-water!

Ewedu re!

Coke! Fanta!! Sprite!!!

Guguru ati ekpa!

Hot Moin-moin!

Akara, Kpoff-kpoff, Chin-chin!!!

Guinea-fowl eggs!

Dodo! Boole!

It goes on and on and never ends, one street hawker--flat metal tray balanced on his/her head--after another, selling edible goodies from dawn till dusk.

Who can resist their call? No one! That's why their service is so world-famous.

Indigens say Lagos is for the active and highly energetic individuals. Yeah, right!

Ironically, the lazy and sedentary thrive well in Lagos too. Basically, the street-hawkers live for these people. All one needs to do is drag oneself outta bed and go camp in front of the gate to ones home. All the stuff you need for the day will pass by you in the space of thirty-five minutes. From bath soap to toothbrush and toothpaste. From hot tea and freshly baked bread to heavy meals, snacks, and soft drinks. Hell, you can even make a phone call with a rented cell phone! What more can one ask for?

And to totally cap it all, stuffs are hawked in convenient quantities. You need just two slices of bread for a sandwich? No problem! the street-hawkers will totally sell just two slices. Lol! You only need a squeeze of toothpaste? Not an issue! You only wanna purchase just three tablespoons of hot cocoa and a dash of milk for your morning drink? Sure, they're totally up for it! You need a handful of detergent for your laundry? Okey-dokie, one handful of 'super-blue omo' is measured and priced accordingly. Lol!!!

One favorite theory of mine is that many Europeans are in the wrong country--especially the heavy and lazy ones. Oh yeah? What other city encourages the sedentary lifestyle in humans more than Lagos? Imagine a city where sloth and bumming around is totally acceptable. Vendors bring everything you ever wish for to your doorstep, enabling you to just sit right there on your backside while you lose weight and acquire a long-lasting tan without much trouble. Lol!!!

Oh and it doesn't end with just hanging outside your gate. While riding in vehicles you can totally buy stuff off the streets too. Who says you gotta stop and exit your vehicle? Nope. No need to bother your precious self. The street-hawkers totally get it. They already anticipate your needs and will rush their wares to your car window. Don't worry, they are adept at chasing after your car even in the heaviest of traffic. Some of them can totally keep pace with a vehicle moving at 30 kilometers per hour. Amazing, huh?

Lol!!!

While in a car, please, the last thing you wanna do is push your head outta your window and yell, "Bread!" Lol!!! The next thing you're gonna know, many different kinds of bread are so gonna be shoved in your face. Large loaves, small loaves, dark-chocolate, white, wheat, mixed, milky, sliced, heavy--name it, you got it!

So basically, you now get the idea, right? Hey? You still with me?

I steal a look at your face and realize you're totally fast asleep.

I've been totally rambling to myself for the last hour. Fat luck!

I'll be back with more!

Lotta Luv,

Carlotta

For information about the upcoming novel, FEDDIE GIRL by Nona David, visit Bernard Books Publishing http://bernardbooks.com

Yeah, Right! Welcome to Lagos, Nigeria...

So why did I get on a plane heading to Lagos, Nigeria?

To be honest, I asked myself the same question everyday for the past year. I don't know why I let my parents talk me into it, despite forebodings at the back of mind. Guess I just wanted to be cool and show them no amount of punishment would totally faze me.

Oh boy, was I wrong!

First off, my mom came along for the ride but my dad refused to comply, even though the punishment was his idea in the first place.

You look at me in an odd way, as if to say, you dumb babe! "That probably raised a red flag, huh?"

It did, believe me, but I was too busy bitching about my cell phone privileges being taken away, to notice. Talk about the classic 'penny wise, pound foolish' syndrome.

There I was, sulking about my Blackberry, not even noticing my parents had something more sinister in mind. When I finally caught up to what was on board, it was too late!

"Jeez!" you yell, "what are you? Like the dumbest kid on the block?" You shake your head in disgust.

I cringe from you and and your snarky attitude and hide my irritation behind my words. I know you're right, but say what you may, had you been in my shoes, even you wouldn't have seen it coming.

You roll your eyes to high heavens and smirk, "Yeah, right!"

Seriously!!! Lagos, Nigeria isn't exactly San Francisco, California.

So like, we stepped out of the Muritala Mohammed airport building and it suddenly hit me:

Mosquitoes are truly the most evil and vicious insects you'll ever come across.

"No kidding!" you exclaim, running my pink hairbrush through your hair. "You think I oughta shave?" You peer at your reflection in the mirror, caressing your smooth jaw with long tapered fingers. You have no stubble--you're only fourteen.

Well, yeah. I'm referring to the mosquitoes, not your non-existent facial hair. Like most pre-pubescent males, you're already obsessed with growing a moustache.

Anyways, back to my story. In Lagos, the mosquitoes are as large as moths, noisy and unrelenting. They must have a unique way of discerning fresh blood, cos they descended on me and my mom in droves as soon as we stepped out in the open, forming a distorted halo over our heads and singing in our ears.

Their bites are sharp and stinging, the pain akin to none other than that of bees. They never let-up, no matter how hard you slap at them. Hiding under layers of clothing don't help either cos they've figured out a way to feed on you through your pants.

The frustrating part is, you put up your hand to wave them away, they go ahead and bite your knuckles and the skin underneath your nails, the two places that are the most difficult to appease by scratching--assuming you can find the exact spot to scratch.

"I can imagine," you say, not really getting it.

But I won't blame ya cos, unless you've been to Lagos and have been attacked by a million of those bad boys at once, you'll probably never get it. End of story!

Mosquitoes are just one of the many evils of Lagos. The traffic congestion, air and garbage pollution, lack of traffic laws, harassment by road-side vendors, and general lack of law and order will blow you away.

"How come?" you ask, finally letting go of your boyish chin. You pick up a scraggly sneaker and stuff your sock-less foot into it.

What I'm saying is, you don't wanna make the mistake of taking Lagos, Nigeria for granted. It's a city like no other. Lagosians fondly refer to it as Eko. As far as they are concerned, no other city in the world can totally offer what Lagos does.

And, after spending a whole year in Nigeria, I began to see it too.

The exciting night life, the sleepless natives, the exotic and mouth-watering foods, the language, the accent, the thankfulness of the people when blessings come their way, the frustrations of business owners when power goes out, the rowdy markets sporting anything you desire under the sun, the intimidating area boys, the church functions, the parties and ceremonies, the music, the pulse of the streets. It's a whole lot to take in at first glance. But before long, the city gets to you and you get infected with the feverish enthusiasm.

You pause in the process of knotting the laces of your second sneaker. "You don't say?" You stare at me with eyes wide as saucers.

On the contrary, I really do say. Just three weeks in the city and I totally found myself screaming with the rest of them:

Lagos for life!

Eko o ni baje!

Lotta Luv,

Carlotta

(Definitely more to come, so stay connected.)

For excerpts and information about the upcoming novel FEDDIE GIRL, visit http://bernardbooks.com

Nigeria, West-Africa!!! Why me...?

So I beat-up on two kids half my age and landed them in the emergency room with cracked ribs.

"What's the big deal?" You ask from the side or your mouth, not letting go of the Nintendo cruiser you clutch in your hands.

Well, the big deal is that my parents panicked and catapulted us from the our lovely home in San Francisco to the middle of nowhere in Owasso, Oklahoma. Major downer!

You sip from your soda can. "I still don't get it," you mutter, slurping the drink around in your mouth, "so you relocated to the mid-lands, who gives a shit?"

I have just one question. You ever been to Owasso, Oklahoma?

No?

Then shut the hell up and take my word for it. After living most of my life in 'Frisco, Owasso felt like cowboy land to me. Shoot! They even have cowboys and totally have like, native Indian names for their towns. Osawatomie, Oolagah, Owasso, Okmulgee...

Like, who the hell named these towns? The guys from 'Dukes of Hazard?' Crazy!!!

Anyways, we moved to Owasso (pronounced 'Owass-ah' by many natives), and I hated my parents for it. They put me in some middle school filled with a bunch of stupid kids that know nothing about being cool. Many of them wouldn't even know what a cigarette looked like if it came poking them in the eye.

Bummer!!!

I had no friends. My best friend Sasha was back in 'Frisco dating cute guys and lounging in pools and beaches, sipping slushies and eating ice-cream. Me? I was caged in Owasso, wearing drab clothes to school and eating cafeteria-cooked-crap for lunch. Yuck!!!

Even the extracurricular activities in the school was like, totally booorrriiing! There was no group for aspiring actresses like me. No serious music group with incredible talent like mine. And definitely no musicals or talent shows whatsoever. Instead, they had baseball. Who the heck wants to play baseball?

You give me a reproachful stare. "Baseball is an American fave," you say.

Yeah, yeah, Baseball and the Angels and the Braves and yatty-yatty-yada!!! Give me a break!

So, like, the only kid I identified with at that middle school in Owasso was this guy named Samuel Machiovich. Cool kids in the school nick-named him 'Slinky Sam.'

I was cool, so I called him Slinky Sam too. He was the major and the most widely connected supplier of cigarettes and drugs in the school. I was one of his frequent customers...Lol!!!

"What!!!!" you scream. "Cigarettes? Whatcha go picking up that disgusting habit for?"

First off, smoking is not a disgusting habit, at least, not when you stick to the occasional cigarette. It's when you become addicted and or graduate to reefers that it becomes disgusting--and at whatever age you start doing it.

In my case, I started smoking cigs when I was like, eight? Nine? I forget. But, while in 'Frisco, I only smoked like one or two sticks in three months.

Then we moved to Owasso and I met Slinky Sam and the likes of him. Things quickly took a turn for the worse. I started smoking more frequently, you know, just for relaxation and to let-off steam. I was netting in at about two sticks in three days. Then the urge to smoke became more insistent. Before I knew it, I was smoking a whooping pack of cigs in two weeks! Gawd!!!

Then guess what?

"What?" you ask, all eyes and ears now. (Finally, I've been able to gain your full attention. Lol!)

Okay, so, Slinky Sam totally introduced me to something stronger than just tobacco.

"I knew it!" you yell. "The Slimy bastard!"

Well, it's not totally his fault. I could have said no if I wanted to. Problem was--I seriously needed something to get my mind off my parents selfish decisions and judgment. Jeez! What do they know about my life?

So, at first, I tried a few kinds of weed, nothing too serious, just harmless grass and stuff. Then one day, Slinky got me the real deal. Marijuana!!!

"Marijuana??!!!" You yell...

Yup, it cost me ten bucks a roll too. Slinky said it was the best weed in town.

"Whatcha do? You smoke it?" You are now at the edge of your seat, perched and staring at me in awe and unbelief.

To be fair to you, the answer is yes! I did smoke the reefer... We cut classes and went behind the school dumpster during school hours. I took one puff and closed my eyes, hoping to savor the promised freedom the warm smoke would bring.

The next thing I knew, a heavy hand clamped down on my shoulder.

I was busted!!!

By the time I snapped my eyes open, Slinky Sam was nowhere to be found.

You laugh so hard you fall to the floor and roll around. "I told you so!"

Yeah, and honestly, I don't blame ya! That weed-smoking escapade was the last straw for my parents. I got expelled from middle school and three weeks later, I found myself on a plane nosing its way to Nigeria, West-AFRICA!!!

You betcha! I'll be back with more, so hang around!

Lotta Luv,

Carlotta

How to purchase this novel:

1. From Amazon.com

2. From the publisher

3. Buy in Nigeria

For more information, excerpts, and reviews of the FEDDIE GIRL novel, visit Bernard Books Publishing

Jeez! How was I to know?

You’ve been waiting to hear what I did to merit a punishment as extreme as boarding school in AFRICA of all places. Okay, I’m totally gonna tell you. But bear in mind that this happened a long time ago, like when I was twelve.

At that time, I guess I must have been a really frustrated kid, full of angst and bitterness at the failing relationship between my parents.
How was I to know, at that time, that trying to be a punk was not the best of solutions to an impending family divorce?

I was only twelve–duh!!

How was I to know that by letting my rage overtake me, I was gonna hurt other people and myself?
Really, how was I to know???
Guess I learned the hard way.

Okay so you still wanna know what I did?

“Spill the beans, Carlotta,” you reply, ready for gossip.

Okey-dokie. But remember, you asked for it!!! Lol!!!

*******

I hated the two kids. They were about half my age, skinny, and obnoxious as hell. They had tiny little noses that seemed turned-up at the end, almost snobbish.

They never shut up, especially the female. She had this annoying way of chanting in a high-pitched voice each time she crossed my path:

“Car-lot-ta! Car-lot-ta!! Carrr-llooot-ttaaaa!!!”

“Enough, already!” I snapped at her one morning. I was in a particularly sore mood and didn’t care much for being pestered.

The li’l kid, wouldn’t listen, she kept chanting.

“I said, stop it!” I yelled at her, “or I’m gonna bust your butt!”

The girl shut up at once. There was a moment of glorious quietness, before her male counterpart blurted:

“Watcha gonna do? Car-lot-ta, watcha gonna do?”

I’m gonna totally bust you up, that’s what. “Stop it this minute,” I ordered.

The boy ignored me. I hate being ignored.

His female partner-in-crime joined in again, and this time, she made the mistake of poking me in the chest while she chanted with renewed vigor.

That did it! I lost my temper!

First, I caught hold of one and landed her a resounding blow straight across the cheek. Smack!
Dazed, she fell back and let up. The male wasn’t as easy to deal with. Scrawny legs kicking, little arms flailing, sharp voice wailing; he grabbed my arm and began to pummel with his free hand.

With him I took my time. One accurately measured blow to the side of his chest leveled him.
The female jumped to her feet and charged like a suicidal bull, blindly throwing herself into my stomach. I peeled her off me and smacked her across the face. Again!

She wouldn’t be dislodged that easily.

So I leveled her like I did her mate, landing one extra blow to make sure she stayed down. I considered leaving them there, prone as dead logs, but thought better of it. A ring of excited onlookers had formed around us.

“Here is to the silly taunts on the bus every morning,” I spat. With each word, I kicked-out at the two helpless beings, drawing an extended cry of agony from them.

Finally, I stopped kicking and stood there, heaving with fury, staring down at the two six-year olds I almost reduced to pulps of flesh.
I turned to leave. A path cleared within the ring of other students staring back at me in horror.

One boy hooted and several others joined in. Soon they were booing and chanting and running to go find a teacher. Any teacher. And the school nurse.
The injured six-year-olds lay there on the ground, groaning and crying.

“Did I feel sorry for them?” you ask, shocked beyond belief.

Well, to tell you the truth, I felt kinda satisfied. The two punks had it coming. They certainly did.

And it was totally their own fault.

How to purchase this novel:

1. Buy from Amazon.com

2. Buy from the publisher

3. Buy in Nigeria

For more info, excerpts and reviews of this novel, visit Bernard Books Publishing

Stuff about me...

So, I am the only child in my family–can’t say whether this is good or bad, but that’s just the way it is.

My dad’s name is Richard, and like I said before, he is a physician. He’s really tall (like, above six feet), dark and handsome. When people meet him these days, they keep saying he looks like Barack Obama!!! Lol!!! I guess they’re kinda right, after all, my dad, like our dear Mr. President, is a half-breed too. His dad (my grandfather) is from somewhere in Anambra State, Nigeria (I think it’s Neewi, Newwi, or somethin’ like that. Can’t remember the spelling!! Lol!!). My dad’s mom is from Gainesville, Georgia. Great match for the two of them, I must say, even though I never met them!!! How often do you get to have a Nigerian for a granddad and a totally white mom for a grandma? Totally cool, right?

My mom is an English Professor (Ph.D.) and her parents are both from Georgia. Now, them, I got to meet, but can’t remember. I was like two or three when they both passed on. What a bummer!!! My mom is quite tall for a woman and very prim and proper. Her name is Shelley, but she should have been called Margaret or somethin’ like that, cos she always gets on my case. Arrggh!!!

Okay, for the gist you’ve all been waiting for…

Sometimes, I wonder how or why my parents stuck together with each other for so long. Maybe it’s because of me…but I still wonder.

You see, my mom is a recovering alcoholic. Yeah, that means no booze in the house. Did you just say, “Hey, that sucks??!!” Well can’t blame ya! That’s the way things are at home. No booze, no beer, no nothin’ (Another reason I can’t host parties at home. Lol!!!). So, she had managed to stay clean for a long time never saw her take a drink until I was like, twelve? Thirteen? Oh yes! That would be a few months before my thirteenth birthday.

She tries to hide it, most of the time, but sometimes I can smell the alcohol on her breath. Mostly, my dad would pretend like he doesn’t notice, until she starts slurring her words or hurling stuff across the room (it’s sooo annoying when she does that. No, scary is more like it!!). This doesn’t happen often, though, only when she’s like anxious or totally bummed out about my dad’s promiscuity.

Hah! “Promiscuity?” you scream. Well, that’s what I said, isn’t it?

My dad just diggs young ladies with pretty faces. It’s not like it’s a secret or any thing, he just has this cool way of studying sashaying blondes/brunnettes from under his lashes when he thinks my mom is not looking. But he’s only fooling himself cos I think my mom knows what he’s up to most of the time. She just keeps a stiff face and totally ignores him. Or pretend not to notice.

Gee!! Aren’t they like, good for each other? Yep!! Totally!! A married couple that live together and have totally disgusting vices — one is an alcoholic while the other is a philanderer (right word? Just thought I’d put my mom’s constant hype about learning new words to good use.) But you totally get the idea, right?

Well, don’t get me wrong. My parents may be bummers sometimes, but I totally love ‘em!!! At least, I do right now. Lol!!!

So now you’ve met Dr and Dr Ikedi, my next story will be about why they decided it was worth it to ship their only daughter off to an all-girls boarding school in Africa!!!

Watch out, I’ll be back with more!!!

Lotta luv,

Carlotta

To purchase novel visit Bernard Books Publishing